" I am second"

So there is this new website (well new to me it started in '08) I am second, It is videos/testimonies of how people have over come struggles by putting Jesus Christ first. I know numerous times I have shared my stories through various posts. I have never fully disclosed everything. Sometimes I think you have to make yourself very vulnerable for people to be able to understand you or relate to you.

I have had many struggles, we all do. Though I have "survived" them all the ones where I allowed Jesus Christ to be first have been the most amazing revelations (if that is even the right word) in my life. This may be a bit redundant to most of you, and for that I apologize but if you know the feeling, the relief the amazingness that you feel when you have these moments it is something so flipping amazing that you can't help but share it over and over again.

Being raised in a Christian home and family I have always known who Jesus was, I grew up in Church memorizing bible verses and attending vacation bible school. I always wanted to feel this awesomeness that my Dad spoke of. I tried so hard, or at least I thought I had. It wouldn't be until I was in my 20's that I would truly experience this feeling that people spoke of. From about 11 years old until about 21 years old I was a real jerk, mean, hateful, hardheaded jackass. When I became pregnant (out of wedlock) with my oldest guilt set in. True guilt on how I had treated people thoughts filled my head of how horrible I was to my parents, my sister and random people that I went to school with. I blamed most of it on being bullied in elementary school but that is no excuse. Anyway, I was living with my sons dad and did for just shy of 7 years. We were not right for each other we had fights and it just wasn't a healthy relationship at all. I finally made the decision to leave. We had a verbal custody arrangement and we were doing ok with it. Then the ultimate thing happened, he served me with custody papers. He wanted full custody of my only child, now if you are a Mother you can imagine the heart wrenching that caused. My family and friends all assured me that there is no way that I could lose, none. I hired a lawyer and then another lawyer and a Guardian ad litem (a lawyer to represent my son) By this point I had started "dating" a friend that would later become my husband. Fast forward to about 3 months before the court date. I am now engaged and buying a house and am also pregnant. My lawyer and the Guardian both assure me that this isn't an issue, even though I plan on moving 2 hours away and reassure me that everything is going to be fine, rarely does a judge grant custody to a Father. I couldn't take the stress anymore, I couldn't continue to carry this burden anymore. I had just come home from work and went up 3 flights of stairs to my temporary attic bedroom at my parents house. No one was home, it was just me and my burden. I dropped so hard to my knees, I had never fallen to my knees with such force and emotion in my life. I was overcome, I wasn't even controlling my own body I don't even know how I controlled my own words at this point. I screamed and when I said screamed I took all the hatred, the agony, the pain and forced it all out with my voice with my hands thrown in the air as if throwing in the towel and said 12 words that would change my life forever. "IT IS IN YOUR HANDS LORD, WHATEVER YOUR WILL I ACCEPT IT" Just typing that and taking my mind back to that day gives me chill bumps, floods of emotion. I meant those words, I mean MEANT, I know that everytime I type one of these stories I emphasize MEANT and I cannot emphasize it enough. Anyone can say those words and I had said them probably thousands of times before but this time was different. I had to be second Jesus Christ had to be first. So I went on to buy my house spent many hours away from my temporary home getting it all ready for us to move in. I had his bedroom all done up, it was so cute. Court day arrived, it was a disaster, people lied. I was absolutely disgusted at the behavior of some people, including the judge who seemed to not care at all that I was speaking while he what appeared to be playing solitaire on his laptop. Then the decision that made me collapse on the court room floor. We were granted 50/50 parental custody but His dad was granted physical custody. Physical custody. That meant that I was going to not see my son, my heart, my soul that I spent months carrying in my womb and spent 26 hours in pain to bring into this world, that I spent my days caring for-everyday. This thing that WAS my life is now going to be Physically nonexistent in my daily routine. I will never forget the sound of my Fathers voice on the phone as long as I live. He was absolutely convinced I would win. The shock and disappointment (not in me but in the decision) could be heard in his voice, his words were so soft almost a whisper but the emotion was so loud. I knew what I said on my knees that day and somehow had convinced myself that "His will" would most certainly be for me to "win". After a lot of tears, hyperventilation and vomiting I stood up and told someone I don't remember who- "I put it in God's hands, I told him whatever his will I would accept it". Hardest promise ever to keep. I am not going to lie. I don't know why it ended the way it did and I am not about to question it. There is a reason that it worked that way and I am ok with it. It hurts and it took me 4 years to be able to leave his bedroom door open when he is gone, or to wash his laundry while he is not here. Sundays are still hard when I have to make that drive back. It has been almost 5 years and I often daydream about how it would be if he were here all the time. I can tell you though, I am at peace with the decision, I hate no one and I harbor no ill will. I can tell you though, had I not put me second I would have never survived this speed bump in life.


There have been other times, My last son being diagnosed inutero with spina bifida and hydrocephalus is a huge one, but I talk about that one often. I don't think I have actually ever said on here that I do not have physical custody of my oldest son. If you want to read about Gavin you can read these stories One year anniversary of finding out A video of our one year journey When-against all odds he walked His second birthday And here where he learned to kick a ball

And this (from another site I used to use) Is the very first post I made on the very day I found out.

On my last prenatal appointment I reluctantly signed papers to have AFP screening done, I gave my blood and never thought twice about it. On Tuesday (01-06-09) My ob called, My results were abnormal....I didn't flinch, I didn't worry, he even assured me that there was no reason to worry there are so many false positives, I held on to that hope and did my own research. I was positive..besides I have Faith, God is on my side!
Well super stoked to have my ultrasound scheduled earlier than it was, my Husband and I go across town to Johnston Willis Medical center, 5th floor, I filled out my paper work, joked around with the receptionist, and waited my turn. First a nurse/tech came in she showed us our little baby and went down for a gender shot, before she could say it I screamed ITS A BOY!!!!!! Jason (hubby) even high fived me in the middle of the ultrasound (classic Jason). She was super sweet and answered every question I asked and printed a penis picture for Jason's bragging rights. She then said I can't get a good shot of the spine his tushy is pressed against your uterus. She took measurements and said "he is right on track 10 oz." (I forget the head size but it was perfect too Jason has a big head and I always make sure with ultrasounds that I reitterate the head isn't too big right LOL).
Anyway enter Dr. (Dr. Barbara Head yep that is what I said Barbie Head LOL, the other dr was Dr. Ronald Christmas...it's to crazy to make up so I swear it I felt like I was in who-ville in the Grinch stole Christmas)
The Dr, says there is fluid on the baby's brain showed us the head and says and his head is "lemon" shaped and see this it is banana shaped (something in the brain), they tried to see the end of the spine but he wouldn't co-operate. She finally got an awkward shot and said Yep your baby has Spina Bifida.
Then she starts giving us options telling us what to do yadda yadda, I really didn't hear much, I heard her getting ready to say Abortion and I stopped her, there was no need to say it I knew that was NOT an option for me.
I am scheduled for an MRI, the Ultrasound wasn't "concrete"...I am at peace almost though. God is Good, and maybe since I am who I am and if this little boy has spina bifida, he couldn't have a better family. God knows what he is doing, he doesn't make mistakes.
I won't be positive until I see that precious baby, there is always room for miracles, and I believe they happen everyday, to little people like me :)
For any of you that have had to deal with this I commend you, for your strength, your courage and your love for that innocent child, for those of you who have never had to feel this I pray you never do.
Even if the Ultrasound is wrong, my life has been changed to an extent i will never be able to explain.
To those of you that are here for me (and you know who you are) I love you and owe you big time (no matter how strong you are, you still need a shoulder to cry on)