To the crabby Chesterfield County bus driver this morning:

* I wrote this letter this morning. It's personal, it's raw, it's pure guilt. I think that's good though. I think through my mistake I made this morning you can learn some valuable lessons. 

1: never ever assume your life is so much worse than that of a person giving you a hard time. Craptastic days happen to everyone, you're not alone. 

2: Christians aren't perfect, we're forgiven. We are human and we sin. 

3: Anger is a dangerous, dangerous thing, we have to learn to turn it into something positive. 

I don't know who she was, what bus number she drove but if you know a Chesterfield county bus driver, share this post, maybe she will read it and know, I'm sorry, I was wrong, it was hurtful and uncalled for. *

To the crabby Chesterfield County bus driver this morning: 

I drop my daughter off at school every morning the way the parking lot/ entry is laid out  there's a line of anxious parents to the left of the entry, ready and in a hurry to drop off their precious at school. To the right of the entry is for buses, teachers and parents to get through to the bus drop off and parking lots. If you're trying to reach the parking lots you must drive down the right side stop and look for oncoming traffic (because four lanes with a median turns into 2 lanes here) go on the wrong side of the road for about a car length and a half and dart into one of the 2 lots. 

This morning was different for me. This morning I was one of the parents going to the parking lot. Today has been hectic, this week has been hellish. 

On any normal morning I have a 2 bus rule. I will let 1-2 buses out on my way through (both ways). You have to be aggressive because if you aren't the buses will take advantage of your kindness and you'll be sitting there with a train of yellow boxes clogging both the entry and exit of the school. I try not to inconvenience anyone because I know some of the parents are headed to work or school or somewhere more important than I am, I'm just going home on most days. 

This morning as I darted around the line of cars and came to where the buses enter/exit I let 1 bus in and 1 bus out. You were next. But I went ahead (because you do have to stop there, ya know) I saw you edging out trying to take advantage of my seemingly kind gesture to the other buses. I moved up aggressively I was going around any way. When I looked for oncoming traffic there were 2 cars coming which caused my back bumper to impede your progress across the busy intersection for all of 20 seconds. I even said out loud oops, sorry lady I didn't see the cars coming, it's not like you had enough time to get out, but you're bigger and we have brakes, right? What happened next shocked me...you laid on your horn! I mean laid on it. At first I said out loud where you could read my lips 'I'm sorry' but as I made eye contact with you you're angry look and glare upset me and I mouthed the word 'b*tch' to you (so that my children didn't hear) . For that, I'm sorry. I'm not sure why it managed to come out. 

I got to thinking how you know nothing about me, about my life, my stresses. You've got no clue that Murphy and his law has made permanent residence in my home, that I am constantly anxious dealing with certain issues in my life, you don't know that buckled in the back seat is 2 of my 3 kids, one of which is my last that I will ever have. You have no idea that when I go home he has to do physical therapy exercises, wear braces on his legs and be catheterized every 4 hours because he can't even control his own bowel and bladder. I even muttered the words 'you've dropped your kids off, what is the hurry? You gotta get home to eat Bon bons?' 

Truth is, I don't know your stresses either. I know you aren't new to the bus driving game. You appear old enough to have been doing this for a few years. Maybe it is just a job to you, or perhaps you love those kids regardless of the disrespect you likely find yourself receiving from them. The snotty noses, 'down in back', crossing RR tracks, screaming, yelling, hitting, pushing. The same thing I deal with daily times 10. 

So maybe we both needed to get a little stress out this morning and unfortunately we were both victim of the others glare/words/horn/anger. 

So, I'm sorry. I don't know if you'll even read this, I hope you do (I don't even know your bus number) I'm not a bad person, I'm usually quite personable, kind, generous, forgiving, helpful person. This morning I didn't not display that nor did I display the kind of Christian lifestyle I try to live and, for that,  I owe you a huge apology. 

Love, and a challenge for you.

It is funny that this is a post I started about a month ago and just left it as a draft unable to find the words to finish it. In the past few days I have taken part in several conversations about "love" and I don't mean How you love your husband/boyfriend/significant other, I am talking about Pure, simple, unconditional love for humankind.

Such an over-used and abused word. A lot of people today just can't even begin to wrap their heads around it. No clue of the how significant of a word it is. Two strongest words in any language "Love & Hate". I too am guilty of using both words loosely. " I love that dress" "I hate Lima beans"

Lets address "hate" first. Upon several discussion with several people Besides the "f" word I can't even understand why words are considered "dirty" other than society has made them that way. I mean would I get the same cross look if I called you a donkey instead of an ass? Probably not. Words that we consider "curse words" today have all been made into that and they are just words. If I were the person (whomever that person is) that was in charge of stamping words as "bad" Hate would be the number one word on the list. To hold Absolute pure hatred someone is the most vile feeling one can harbor. To say " I hate you" Is the biggest, nastiest insult one can give. It is dirty, it is mean, and it isn't healthy for anyone involved.

All that was the draft, I couldn't get any further with the post, I knew what I wanted to say but not how to say it.

I saw a shirt yesterday, it is perfect. "Love thy neighbor"

One of the things that has really gotten me pondering this whole "love" issue that apparently humans are having a really hard time with is the "Trayvon Martin" case. I realize that this is quite the controversial topic for some people and I don't intend on touching on the actual "case" I wasn't there, I don't know anything more than the mainstream media has allowed me to know. So I care not to get involved in THAT discussion. But rather the hatred that has been spewed from all different sides of this. There are white people screaming profanities and ugliness at/about black people and black people screaming back just as loud. It has flared this whole hatred war. It is crazy.

Then there was this morning a conversation between myself and a facebook friend on her status update with a few of her friends. It was a wonderful discussion and I realized that for some reason Hating someone for a lot of people is so much easier than swallowing their pride, and taking the high road. Doing the right thing is almost always the hardest. We are selfish people. I say we because I have been there! As a matter of fact here is one of my responses.

"I tell you it was the absolute hardest thing ever. It has taken years. 11 to be exact. I have to say my Faith has helped me a lot...... The first girl I dealt with on the daily basis, she was a family member of my son's dad. I seriously HATED her, like I cannot even put into words the way I felt about her and it was mutual. I will never forget, it was her birthday and there was a party. I lived there so I was debating on what to do. I decided that day was the day I would take the high road. I bought a bday card and wrote in it something to the effect of "I know we don't see eye to eye and never will but I cannot live with hatred in my heart anymore so I do honestly wish you a happy bday". The look on her face was a little like she thought she had won and a little confused. I know it probably looked like she won, but she didn't, love did and hatred lost. It is really simple to just love everyone. Even when you are treated badly, love the person and hate the act/sin. It becomes a satisfying feeling watching my children see me do good and not speak badly. I want to be remembered for teaching and showing love. I turned the obsession of hate into an obsession of showing people how we should treat all human kind. I have made many enemies, and many people probably hate me and even more think I am strange but it all boils down to my mental status and being mentally healthy if that makes sense. You certainly have to WANT that "zen" feeling in order to achieve it and I still stumble and will never perfect it. You also can't worry about how other people perceive you. ...."

Then I got to thinking about all my different blog posts and how I almost SCREAM at my readers to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

We went to NC for Easter to see my Mother's side of the family, I was driving and there comes a point in the interstate where it splits from 85 south to 40 west. I knew the split was coming 4 lanes would break off in a Y of 2 lanes each, I was in what would become the right lane for that exit. I noticed an SUV trying to get over, her trunk was so full that she couldn't even see out of her rearview mirror piled high with laundry baskets and trash bags of clothing and toys and such. She put her signal on so I slipped over to the far left lane in order for her to get over. Do you know what she did? She FLIPPED ME OFF! Seriously, she was mad and flipped me off because she was on her phone and I can only assume that she startled herself slowly merging into the lane and caught glimpse of me not realizing I was getting over so she had to blame someone else- me. I know I said something bad like "what the hell" or something I felt like crap after I said that and then there she drove past me know and I saw her cute little blonde headed daughter (I assume) in her car seat smiling at the passing cars, so, I thought in my head "God Bless you, Lord please let her have safe travel" I felt better after that. Not so nasty and guilty. It makes me sad that she doesn't know I wished her well. I wish I had a paper sign (perhaps I will make one) That just says "God bless you and have a fantastic day!" I am sure someone would take it sarcastic and I would probably be shot.
Mom used to do that, it used to embarrass me, I remember one day going to or from the grocery store in the summertime windows open in our mini van. Something happened I don't really recall what but it wasn't My Mom's fault, she had the right away and these guys cussed her, I mean CUSSED her good too, it made me so sad that my Mother had to hear such filth and as she saw me stirring in the back ready to scream back she just stuck her pretty head out of the window threw her hand in the air and said "I will pray for you, God bless". I don't know what happened to those guys after that, perhaps they were nicer after that or maybe they just made fun of the crazy lady that will pray for them but either way my Mom did the right thing and went home with a clear conscience.

It is such a simple fix for us as humans but yet so hard, why? Why do we have to hate so much. We hate or are mean to people because of the color of their skin, their religion or lack thereof, their sexuality, their background, their past, their political beliefs. Why? We have to be different, if we weren't it would be boring, very boring. We hold grudges and aren't quick to forgive. Just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you have to invite them to the next cookout or even call and chit chat with them, just be cordial, polite, courteous, I mean really are these all dying qualities?

I wish I could change the world, I really do. I wish I could show one person love and it would spread just as quick as hate does but sadly less people are willing to work for that. Some people hold too much pride to just "grin and bare it" Some would rather cuss instead of politely smiling or walking away. So that is my challenge. I don't have a large amount of followers or readers, but even if the 21 of you that follow me will take the time to do this, perhaps it can spread. I called taking the high road and loving people the "ultimate pay it forward". Will you do it with me? Will you decide to find the positive, do the positive and show complete and total strangers that LOVE exists? Will you take the time to forgive that person that wronged you and makes you want to clinch your teeth until they crumble? Will you take the time to think before that road rage sets in? Take the time to revive the greatest feeling ever, Love. I know I can't change the world, but a couple of lives is ok by me. :)